Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
