This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
nutella sex= disaster
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
