I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
