My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
