If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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