Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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