yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Panties = found
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
