When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
