If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
