i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
