I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
