So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
