I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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