I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
