how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
