The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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