you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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