Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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