My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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