Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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