Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
