you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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