Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
