Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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