Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize