I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
