what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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