this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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