OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
