you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
