Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
