Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He had one of those small greek statue penises
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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