my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
cat food counts as protein by the way
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
