I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
