I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
