the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
