why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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