I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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