i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm really busy with my period
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