I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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