My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
