dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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