I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
