I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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