it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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