I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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