Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
