i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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