He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
