my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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