I skipped work to stalk him.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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