They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
