I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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