It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
