I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
