i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
