I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
