If i could tip my vagina, i would.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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