There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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