I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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