I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
