you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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